


Best. Waterpark. Ever.

by ceruleancats



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Dysfunctional Family, Family Bonding, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Humor, Just a dash of angst, Klaus is really out here bonding with everyone, and by everyone i mean klaus, au where luther doesn't lock vanya up like an asshole so there's no apocalypse, everyone's just having a good time though, pretend waterpark security is as intense as I make it out to be, rated T because i let them say fuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-29
Updated: 2019-04-29
Packaged: 2020-02-09 15:10:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18640600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ceruleancats/pseuds/ceruleancats
Summary: Klaus somehow convinces his family to spend the day at a waterpark. It goes about as well as you'd expect.





	Best. Waterpark. Ever.

**Author's Note:**

> so, this is the first fic I've ever written. I just really love tua's characters, and Klaus seemed like he would be really fun to write, and now here we are two weeks later (I'm a really slow writer, y'all). anyway, the waterpark is based off a real one in Canada (in this universe, they live in Toronto since that's where the show is filmed), with some artistic liberties taken, and this is set in some kind of AU where they prevent the apocalypse by probably letting Vanya out of the cage in ep 9. sit back, relax, and enjoy, and please leave a comment if you liked any part in particular (so I can get that sweet, sweet Internet Validation tm).

Surprisingly enough, it was Vanya who had suggested it.

They were all sitting at one of their Family Dinners, a twice-a-week occurrence that no one had really wanted but had reluctantly agreed upon when Allison had glared them into submission shortly after all that almost-apocalypse business had been sorted out. Everyone was picking at their plates in a bit of an awkward silence, glancing around the table at each other periodically but unsure of what to actually say and reluctant to break the tenuous peace that had settled in the few weeks since that fateful day.

Klaus was, for once, enjoying the relative silence (apart from the short Russian lady who was still facing the far wall of the dining room and muttering to herself unintelligibly, but this was definitely a good day ghost-wise, especially considering how responsibly sober he’d been for several weeks now).

And then Vanya spoke up in her usual meek way. "Hey guys, this is probably dumb, but the weather's been so nice lately, and I just thought...well, remember that water park we always begged Dad to--"

Luther, whose eyebrows had started to furrow as soon as she'd started talking, interrupted loudly. "I don't think that's a good idea. You still don't have full control--"

"Let her finish," snapped Five, cutting him off. He’d been acting as unofficial leader of the Vanya Hargreeves Protection Squad ever since the apocalypse-that-wasn’t, which mostly involved making sure she was included in family events and not steamrolled over by certain people during conversations, like right now.

"I -" Luther started to say, but apparently for once in his life, thought better of being a dick.

"Sorry, Vanya," he said stiltedly. "What were you saying?"

"Oh, it's okay. I was just going to say that maybe we could take a trip there this weekend," Vanya mumbled, looking slightly uncomfortable with her sudden command of the table's attention.

"Now, Luther, was that so hard?" Five said, smirking, like the patronizing little shit he was.

Luther looked one more snide comment away from flipping the whole dining table, but that was officially Not Klaus's Problem, and anyway, it would definitely spice up what had been a generally boring day of lazing around the house.

Klaus decided now was a good a time as any to jump into the conversation.

"Well I, for one, agree with lil' sis here. It'd be such a wonderful bonding experience, don't you agree, Ben?"

Ben looked at him with one eyebrow raised. "Really, Klaus? You think cramming everyone in a car for five hours is going to result in anything other than homicide?"

Klaus pouted dramatically. "Don't we all need some family fun time after all this?" He turned to the rest of said family, fluttering his eyelashes hopefully. "C'mon, it'll be great! Diego, Allison, you're with me, right?"

Diego glared at him. "We're grown-ass adults, Klaus. You think anyone here even owns a bathing suit?"

Allison, whose voice was improving but still needed a break once in a while, scribbled on her notepad and held it up to the rest of the table. I'M IN. SOUNDS FUN, VANYA.

"Yes!" Klaus crowed, pumping his fist in the air. "Ben already agreed, so that's four to three, majority rules." 

"No, I didn't," said Ben, tragically unheard by everyone but Klaus.

"Now, when do we leave?"

"We're not going, Klaus," Luther said, frowning, and Diego gestured in grudging agreement.

Ignoring them, Klaus surveyed the rest of the table. Vanya picked at her food quietly, looking resigned to the fate of a waterpark-less weekend, Allison shrugged at him apologetically, and Five just looked bored of what he probably considered the pointless drivel of lesser beings.

"But it'll be fun," he whined, maybe a little childishly, but really, didn't he deserve something entertaining after being trapped in this prison of a mansion for the past few weeks?

"Not. Happening."

\-----

"So...are we there yet?"

"Klaus, I swear to god, if you ask me that one more time, I _will_ throw you out of this car myself," Diego growled, hands clenched on the steering wheel and eyes locked on the seemingly endless stretch of glowing brake lights ahead of them.

"Why did I agree to this, again?" Five asked, presumably rhetorically, from where he was squished in middle of the farthest backseat between an exhausted-looking Vanya and Allison, who seemed to be either dissociating slightly or incredibly enthralled by her view of the back of Klaus's headrest. (Well, they had all gotten up at 6am in an attempt to reach the park at some semblance of a reasonable hour.) Klaus twisted around in his middle row seat to look back at him.

"Because you love spending time with your wonderful family!" Klaus gestured grandly to the rest of the car's passengers. "See how much fun we're having already?"

"I still think this is a bad idea -- ow," Luther said, attempting to turn and bumping his head on the roof for at least the fifth time in the past hour.

Diego, looking angrier by the minute, told both of them to shut up in no uncertain terms. Klaus slid back down in his seat, sulking.

"What was that about 'family fun time'?" Ben said, a tad loftily for Klaus's taste.

\-----

Amazingly, they all got to the park in one piece (more or less. It had gotten a little iffy for a minute there when Klaus started singing "99 Bottles" in the middle of hour four and Five had threatened to rip his lungs out _if you don't shut your mouth in the next three seconds, Klaus_ , and Allison had to physically slap her hands over Klaus's face from behind him before Five finally snapped and killed them all). But anyway, long car ride short, no actual blood or tears had been shed, so Klaus was considering it a success. And now, the real fun began.

Klaus scrambled out of the car and onto the pavement as soon as they pulled into one of the few empty spots, stretching luxuriously as he took in the tantalizing sight of the park's colorful waterslides peeking above the surrounding trees. "Ahhhh, we made it! Just look at those beauties, Ben," he said gleefully.

Ben poked his head out of the open car door as the rest of his siblings clambered out, stepping directly through him. "I don't know what you seriously think I'm going to be doing here. In case you haven't noticed, I'm not exactly solid enough to slide down anything at the moment," he said, gesturing towards his chest just as Five walked through it on his way out.

Ah, right, that. Klaus had been getting better at the whole manifesting part of his power since he'd managed to bring Ben into this plane, in all his blue, glowing glory, to protect his siblings from those evil gas mask guys, but he could still only manage a few minutes at a time on his best days.

"I think I can buy you enough time for at least one slide ride," Klaus said, "but do you have a change of clothes? Wait, can ghosts change clothes? Now that I think about it, I've only ever seen you wear that lovely emo hoodie ensemble."

Before Ben could answer that pressing question, they were rudely interrupted by Diego slamming the driver side door. "C'mon, let's get this over with," he said, rolling his eyes at Luther's struggle to extricate himself from the other side of the car. With one last jerk that made the car's frame shudder ominously, Luther yanked himself out into the parking lot to join the rest of them, shutting the door behind him. 

Klaus smiled, spreading his arms wide and feeling the sun beat down comfortingly on his black coat. “Welcome to paradise, mis hermanos.”

This statement was only slightly contradicted by the ticket price. 

“Fifty bucks a person?” Diego said, scandalized. “Half of us are just gonna be sitting on the damn deck the whole day.”

“Not to worry, Diego, today is being sponsored one hundred percent by dear old Dad. I just had to sell one of his stupid gold pocket watches, and voila!” Klaus said, digging a handful of crumpled hundred dollar bills out of his coat pocket. 

Luther looked like he wanted to say something, but instead he just sighed and put his head in his hands. Maybe it was still hurting after all the times he bonked it in the car.

“Hey, it’s not like he was going to be using it,” Klaus said, although the rest of his family didn’t seem to care, ignoring his commentary as they wandered over to the line for the ticket booth. 

Their motley crew and the crumpled bills had the ticket attendant raising her eyebrows a little, but they made it through the gates without incident, into the maze of pool chairs and joyfully shrieking children. 

“Everyone has their bathing suits with them, right?” Allison, ever the mom, asked as they wound their way further into the park. A chorus of agreement rose from the rest of the family, except Five, who leveled her with his patented You Are All Beneath Me stare.

“I’m not here for the _slides_. I’m tolerating being here, only because it turns out there’s a bar, and I could do with a margarita.” 

“Five, it’s not even noon. Maybe you could wait a couple hours?” Allison said, generously not mentioning the fact that, as Five appeared to be 13 years old, there was no way in hell he was going to be able to purchase a single drop of alcohol. 

“There’s a _bar_?” said Klaus simultaneously, suddenly even more excited. Yeah, so he was supposed to be staying sober, but alcohol hardly even counted, right? He grinned and glanced over at Ben, who gave him the evil eye. Alright, so maybe it counted.

Five looked exasperated. “Considering that I’m approximately twice your age, I think I’ve earned the right to drink when I want, Allison,” he said before blinking away, presumably to visit the bar. 

“That’ll definitely end well,” Klaus said under his breath. “Any bets on how long it’ll take him to get kicked out?”

Allison sighed, ignoring him and spreading her hands in defeat. “Well, Vanya, want to get changed and hit the lazy river with me?”

“Yeah, sounds great, Allison,” she said with a small smile. “Anyone else want to get changed with us?”

Luther, even more of a sore thumb with his trademark trenchcoat in a place like this, shook his head and fell back. “I, uh, think I’ll just go sit in the picnic area for now.”

Diego, who seem to have been about to say something similar, quickly bit his tongue. “I’ll -- I mean, sure, Allison, let’s go. I actually do know how to have fun, unlike _some_ people,” he said, apparently relishing the chance to one-up Luther at something, as if he hadn’t been completely against the principle of this trip like two minutes ago. 

“Lead the way!” Klaus chirped. 

When he emerged from the locker room several minutes later, the rest of his family, who had been standing around aimlessly, immediately snapped to attention.

“Klaus, what the fuck is that.” 

“What, Diego, this old thing?” he said, gesturing to his garishly rainbow striped Speedo with a flourish. “It was actually on sale, for some reason. Two ninety-nine, a real bargain.”

“I can’t imagine why,” Ben muttered. He had either elected to remain in his normal clothes, or ghosts really could only wear one outfit.

“Hey, how is this any worse than those guys who wear American flag swim trunks?” Klaus protested, pointing out one such man making a valiant, if futile, attempt to slather sunscreen on his back. “I mean, we’re in Canada!”

Vanya, clad in a slightly more modest rash guard and swim shorts combo, shrugged in apparent agreement. Diego stared up at the sky helplessly, probably either to ask God what he'd done to deserve this or bleach the image of the Speedo out of his eyes by staring directly into the sun. Allison just sighed in resignation and turned to face Vanya.

“Lazy river?”

“Definitely,” Vanya said, and the two of them trotted off towards one of the precarious stacks of inner tubes at the river's entrance.

“Well, I guess it's just you and me now, huh, bro?” Klaus said, slinging an arm around Diego's shoulder. 

“Get off of me,” Diego growled, but there was no real bite to it. 

“What about the wave pool? Ben's been asking see the ocean with me for ages, and this is the closest we can get for our poor, dead brother,” Klaus said, leaning on Diego and placing his other hand over his heart melodramatically. 

Ben actually perked up a bit at that, and Diego looked thoughtful. “That's surprisingly sweet of you, Klaus. Fine, let's go.”

“I'm _always_ sweet!” Klaus said indignantly, which was maybe a bit of a lie, but hey, positive self talk. Diego shrugged his arm off and started for the pool, Klaus and Ben trailing after him.

\----

Unfortunately, the wave pool was an honest to little-girl-God madhouse. 

“Diego!” Klaus screeched, floundering as another wave crashed over his head, slamming him into a gaggle of bodysurfing teenagers.

“Hey, watch it, man!” one of them said, but Klaus ignored him, focusing on attempting to breathe in air instead of water. Klaus pushed away from them and towards his brother, who was ducking under the waves easily a few yards away. 

“Diego,” he gurgled, “I think I’ve discovered something.”

Diego shook water out of his eyes looked over at Klaus with one eyebrow raised. “And what’s that, Klaus?”

“I don’t know how to swim.”

Diego barked out a laugh, shaking his head. “Of course you don’t.”

“I thought it was something I could just pick up when I got in the water, you know? Like, how hard could just kicking your legs or whatever possibly be?” Klaus said plaintively, with a futile attempt to doggy-paddle closer to his brother. In his defense, he’d lived in a land-locked city his entire life, and Dad hadn’t really seemed to consider, say, a beach trip a priority with all his save-the-world training bullshit. And then after that, between the whole living day-to-day on the street and spending the night in strangers’ apartments or languishing in jail or rehab, he hadn’t really had the time to frequent public pools. But really, Klaus had thought it would be instinctual, or something. Apparently not.

Diego sighed and swam to him in a few powerful strokes, grabbing Klaus’s arm and towing him towards the artificial shore of the pool. “Here. Take a deep breath and lie back, and you should start floating.”

Klaus complied, staring up at the cloudless blue sky and letting his limbs relax. Waves washed gently past his head, but he floated above them. “Hey, it's working!” 

He didn't know how exactly this was supposed to teach him how to swim, but Diego did seem to know what he was doing.

“Good. Just remember that you're always going to float by yourself as long as you have air in your lungs,” Diego said, in that surprisingly gentle tone of voice that he saved for the special-est of occasions. “Now, Iet’s try treading water. Kick your legs front to back and move your arms in circles like this,” he explained, moving into slightly deeper water to demonstrate. 

Klaus sloshed over to him, then tried to copy his movements with minimal success. “Like this?”

His brother chuckled, tried to disguise it as a cough, and failed miserably. “Close enough,” he said, giving Klaus a congratulatory slap on the shoulder that ended up shoving his face under water. 

Klaus surfaced a second later, sputtering, and shook his head like a wet dog. “Diegooo,” he said accusingly. Klaus scowled exaggeratedly towards Ben, who was perched by the opposite side of the pool, but Ben just waved back cheerfully and mouthed “nice one.” Wow, betrayed by both brothers.

“Sorry, bro,” said Diego, sounding anything but. “But hey, now you know the basics, so no drowning now, you hear me?”

“Yes, sir.” Klaus gave him a sloppy salute just in time for another goddamn bodysurfer to slam him back beneath the waves. Well, at least he knew how to tread water this time.

\-----

After the fiasco that was the wave pool, Klaus needed a break. And what was a better way to relax than the lazy river, which also happened to be where Allison and Vanya were hanging? He had to lie in wait for several incredibly uninteresting minutes by one of the little docks, but soon enough they came floating by, chatting and lounging in blindingly neon pink inner tubes. Grabbing his own electric green one from a nearby stack, Klaus launched himself into the river, soaking his two sisters.

“What the hell,” Allison started indignantly, whipping off her wet sunglasses, before she saw who was clinging to the offending tube. “Really, Klaus?”

Klaus blinked up at her innocently, scrambling up into the center of his tube. “Hello to you too, sis,” he said, then looked over at Vanya, who was blinking water out of her eyes. She looked resigned, which was basically her default expression around Klaus, so he was probably fine there. 

“Sorry about the splash, Vanya. I was aiming for Allison,” he said, winking at her. She shot him a wry smile.

“Maybe you should work on your jumping skills.”

At the same time, Allison scoffed in mock offense, but the corners of her mouth were twitching upwards. Hah, he really was getting good at this whole family bonding thing.

Klaus put on his most dazzling grin as his inner tube spun gently in the current and leaned his head back, meeting his sisters’ eyes upside down. “Noted.”

“So,” he said, drawing out the o as paddled to turn back towards them, “what have you two been talking about? Or is it, like, super secret sister stuff that I’m not allowed to hear?”

“Ah, just reminiscing a bit,” said Vanya. “I was trying to remember where we even heard about this place. It definitely wasn’t from Dad, but...”

“I can answer that one, actually,” Klaus said. “We saw a billboard for it, on the way back from that one bank robbery. You know, the one with the shoelace incident.” That mission had been a disaster, Klaus remembered, albeit hilarious. Seeing the ad for the waterpark had distracted them from the bloody aftermath and had all his siblings clamoring to visit until Dad ordered them into silence on pain of no half-hour Sunday recreation time for a month.

Vanya and Allison giggled. “Oh God, I _do_ remember that!” Allison said with a smirk. “I don’t think Luther ever truly recovered his dignity.”

Klaus grinned back. “Yeah, can’t believe we finally made it here, though. It was truly tragic when that whole plan of mine to sneak everyone out of the house and hitchhike here when Dad was on that business trip fell through. Luther and his damn snitching,” Klaus groused.

“You guys...had a plan to get here? I never heard about that,” Vanya said quietly, her face falling. 

Shit. Klaus had forgotten how they were back at that age, so dismissive of Vanya for her perceived ordinariness, jealous for the way she escaped the torments Dad called training.

“We really were fucking awful to you back then, weren’t we?” Klaus said, laughing humorlessly, apologetically. “Leaving you out of everything like that.”

Allison reached over to rest her hand on top of Vanya’s where it lay on the edge of her inner tube, and looked Vanya straight in the eyes. “We never should have treated you the way that we did. You’re our sister, and you’re as much a part of this family as the rest of us.”

“Hear, hear!” Klaus interjected, grateful for how Allison’s ever-present way with words could coherently communicate the the tangled mess of emotions talking to Vanya tended to evoke.

“I’m glad you brought this place up yesterday, and I’m grateful to be able to spend time with you like this,” Allison finished, squeezing Vanya’s hand gently. 

Vanya gave her a tentative smile back and raised her eyebrows. “Yay sisters?”

“Yay, sisters!”

“What about yay _brothers_?” 

Allison blinked at him, deadpan. “Sorry, no boys allowed.”

“Well, he did stick up for me at dinner. Maybe we can make an exception, just this one time,” Vanya said. Oh yeah, he had done that, hadn’t he? Past Klaus was a genius.

“Alright, if you really think so,” said Allison, giving Klaus and his Speedo a once-over. “But first, he needs to fix that eyeliner. Did you seriously wear non-waterproof makeup to a waterpark?”

Klaus had one eyeliner pen to his name, definitely not the waterproof kind, from like a CVS or something. Hey, not like he had Allison’s movie star budget to spend on this shit.

“Yeah, you kind of look like an emo raccoon,” Vanya said traitorously. 

“I came out here to have a good time, and I’m feeling so attacked right now.”

Both his sisters smiled, and if getting his totally awesome makeup skills roasted was what it took to see that, then Klaus thought it was worth it. Probably. (And if Allison’s makeup bag went mysteriously missing when they got back home, well, maybe that was just desserts.)

\-----

Klaus ran into Luther (literally) as he was heading for one of the sky-high slides on the other side of the park. After fixing his eyeliner in the rather grungy bathroom, Allison had dragged Vanya off to go check out the wave pool, which Klaus had already experienced more than enough, thank you very much. So, here he was, bouncing off Luther’s chest and stumbling backwards away from his...was that a full-body _wetsuit_?

Where in the goddamn hell had Luther even gotten a wetsuit that big?

“Oh, hey Klaus,” Luther said, ignorant of Klaus's current strenuous mental gymnastics. 

“Hey, big guy,” Klaus said, still staring at Luther's synthetic rubber-covered chest. Had Luther gotten it custom-made? Were custom-made wetsuits even a thing? Why was he expending so much brainpower thinking about fucking wetsuits?

“What's with the, um, getup?” Klaus finally decided to say, waving a hand vaguely towards Luther's body.

“I decided I did want to go in the water after all. The slides actually do look kinda fun,” Luther said, rubbing at the back of his neck awkwardly and trailing off into silence. 

Klaus took pity on him. “Believe it or not, that’s exactly where I was headed,” he said, before the most amazing idea popped into his head.

“Luther, my big, beautiful Number One,” Klaus said sweetly, sidling up to his brother and stretching to reach an arm around his shoulder, “nothing would fill my poor empty heart more than going on some waterslides with you.”

Luther looked a bit suspicious for a second, probably because Klaus was doing a pretty terrible job of hiding the existence of his dastardly ulterior motive, but then he broke into a grin. “Great, I was thinking those ones over there,” he said, pointing towards some almost terrifyingly tall slides that emptied out into a large pool ringed by rows of umbrella-shaded deck chairs.

“Perfect,” Klaus said cheerfully, then turned to make his way towards the stairs that wound their way up to the ride’s entrance, Luther trotting at his heels like an overgrown puppy.

The line was incredibly short, given the swarms of people Klaus had seen around the park. Maybe all the patrons had sensed that these slides were an accident waiting to happen and wisely decided not to risk life and limb. But he had to see this through, no matter the cost, because they were absolutely ideal for what he had in mind for Luther.

Speaking of Luther, his brother was looking less and less enthusiastic about this endeavor the higher up they climbed. “Um, Klaus?” Luther asked, eyeing the width of the slide openings with something akin to fear on his face. “I don’t know if I’m going to, well, fit?”

The waterpark employee in charge of getting people onto the slides seemed to be having similar thoughts. “Excuse me, sir? I don’t want to be rude, but we actually do have weight limits for our attractions, and--”

“Oh, not to worry, he’ll be fine!” Klaus interrupted, smiling charmingly at him. “Much lighter than he looks, you know?” 

The employee (Carl, according to his cartoon dolphin-shaped name tag) looked unconvinced. “I could lose my job over this, man,” he whined, abandoning all pretense of professionality. “I’ve already got three warning strikes, and if I get a fourth one, I’m _out_!”

Luther opened his mouth, possibly to point out that the baseball metaphor didn’t really work with four strikes, but Klaus steamrolled over him.

“Carl,” Klaus said, making probably uncomfortably intense eye contact with the man in question. “You will let my brother on this waterslide, and here’s why.” He motioned Carl nearer and whispered his plan.

Carl stepped back, his face taking on an almost manic expression. He smiled wickedly. “You are doing God’s work here, dude. God’s work.”

Klaus clapped his hands together in glee. This was going to be fucking incredible. “Thanks, I try.”

Luther cleared his throat from behind them. “I see you two are really hitting it off, so I’m just going to go back downstai--”

He broke off as Carl grabbed his arm and began tugging him into the slide entrance area. “Uh, what’s happening here? Klaus?” he yelped, as he stepped into the water rushing from jets in the mouth of the slide, but Carl could not be resisted. Klaus valiantly resisted the urge to laugh.

Looking somewhere between bemused and afraid, Luther obediently lay down and crossed his arms over his wetsuited chest. At this point, Klaus suddenly realized that if he wanted to see the payoff, he would have to be in the pool before Luther, and sprinted for the other open slide. “Good luck, Luther, have fun, see you at the bottom!” he tossed over his shoulder before jumping into the mouth of the slide and scooting off. He had total faith in Carl to get Luther down the slide.

Water rushed past Klaus on either side of the bright purple plastic as he shot down the slide a great deal faster than he was expecting. A sudden bump in the slide had him airborne for a second, before he crashed back down with a shriek. It was in this instant that Klaus realized he had fucked up, bad. That damn girl on her stupid bike was probably doubled over laughing at him right now. Well, the joke was on her, because he was definitely not surviving this and probably going to pop right back up in her little monochromatic forest any moment now.  
Just as this thought passed through his mind, he flew off the end of the slide and into the pool, miraculously in one piece. Thanks to Diego’s lessons, he now knew how not to drown, and kicked back up to the surface of the water just in time to see (and hear) Luther hurtling into the water several yards away. 

Just as Klaus had planned, the splash was the stuff of legends. What looked like half of the pool water slopped onto the deck, drenching anyone within a 15 foot radius. At least seven people who had been peacefully suntanning screamed in shock and maybe anger as they and all of their belongings were instantly soaked. Klaus, who had been shoved to the edge of the pool by the wave Luther’s entrance created, scrambled up and out, surveying the carnage with glee. 

Luther surfaced a second later, water streaming off his wetsuit, and took in the scene with apparent horror. “Oh God,” Klaus heard him say. “That was--I mean--I’m sorry?”

The occupants of the deck glared back at him with water dripping from their faces and murder in their eyes.

“Young man, how dare you act so recklessly and with such blatant disrespect?” snarled one middle-aged woman, brandishing her waterlogged copy of _Eat, Pray, Love_. “My son, Braedynn, just got this suit tailored, and now it’s _ruined_!”

Klaus had no goddamn clue why a child would be wearing a full-on suit to a waterpark, but then again, Five was wandering around in his Academy uniform, so he couldn’t really judge.

Luther, looking like a chastised toddler, edged his way towards the steps out of the pool, making placating gestures at the woman. “Ma’am, I am so sorry, I didn’t--”

She interrupted him, fuming. “I’m going to get park security. This is a travesty,” she spat, grabbing her son’s hand and stomping off in the direction of the main gate.

“Luther!” Klaus called, barely holding in his laughter. “I think maybe we’ve overstayed our welcome in this area of the park.” He made the universal sign for Let’s Get The Hell Out Of Here. Luther took one look at the menacing faces of the rest of the people he’d soaked and nodded rapidly in agreement.

“Heh, sorry again!” he said, flashing an aborted smile at the increasingly unamused deck, then turned and hightailed it after Klaus towards the pine tree-shaded picnic area that seemed to offer some cover if an angry mob ended up giving chase.

Once they made it to a wooden picnic table sheltered by some trees, Klaus collapsed on the bench, not even trying to contain his laughter any more.

“God, Luther, the _look_ on that woman’s _face_!” he said, practically in hysterics. “I really think,” he added, gasping for air, “she’s going to fucking sue us. Good thing we have the inheritance money for some top-notch lawyers.”

Luther glared at him. “Not funny, Klaus.”

Klaus begged to differ. “C’mon, Luther, it’s at least a little funny.” He schooled his features into some semblance of a neutral expression. “Admit it, you had fun.”

His brother frowned, but it looked halfhearted. Klaus patted his hand across the table. “Braedynn, in his tiny, soaking wet tuxedo? That really got me, at least.”

Luther sighed deeply, and some of the tension appeared to melt off of him. “Okay, maybe that part was kinda ridiculous. I almost thought his mom was going to punch me in the face.”

“Right? Even if she tried, though, I don’t think she’d be able to reach that high,” Klaus said, winking at him. Shame, though. That would have been hilarious to see.

A real smile spread across Luther’s face now. “Yeah, she was pretty short. But actually, I should probably get out of here before she comes back with the whole security team. Hide in the men’s bathroom, or something.”

Klaus nodded and peeled himself off the bench as Luther stood up on the other side of the table. “That does sound like a wise move.”

“Oh, and Klaus?”

“Yes, brother dearest?” 

“I know you all think I’m dumb, but even I’m smart enough to realize that you planned this whole thing out from the second you saw those slides. So just know that there will be revenge, and it will be swift, and it will be at the moment you least expect it.”

Klaus’s smile froze on his face. He looked up at Luther, who stared serenely back at him.

“Well, shit.”

\------

Klaus had lost Ben.

He realized this shortly after Luther had threatened revenge and then fucked off to the bathroom or whatever to avoid the wrath of the formidable combined force of park security and Braedynn’s mom. 

Where had Klaus even seen him last? Oh right, the wave pool, where Ben had been delighting in Klaus's miserable attempts to swim. Hm. Maybe he didn't want to find Ben after all...

Who was Klaus kidding, he was bored as hell. 

Klaus jogged back towards the pool area, only stopping once to dodge out of the way of a squad of security officers hurrying in the general direction of Luther's splash zone. That was maybe going to be an issue at some point, but he wasn’t above ignoring problems that didn’t directly involve him.

Klaus scanned the deck area of the wave pool carefully, looking for Ben’s signature hoodie and dark jeans, which should theoretically stand out in the sea of bikinis and swim trunks. And there Ben was, lounging (as much as a ghost unable to interact with the physical world could lounge) on a deck chair like he hadn’t a care in the world.

“Oh, Ben,” Klaus singsonged as he skipped towards his brother. “What are you up to on this fine afternoon?”

Ben jerked to attention, uncharacteristically ungraceful as he fell halfway through the chair. “Ah, Klaus. Since you ran off to God knows where, I’ve just been people-watching,” he said, playing off his surprise and stepping through the chair towards Klaus.

Klaus smirked. “How many people sat on you?”

He thought this was a perfectly reasonable question -- given the crowds, there was no way someone hadn’t claimed what appeared to be a perfectly empty seat -- but Ben didn’t deign to respond, rolling his eyes instead. “I’ve been having a swell time, thanks for asking.”

“Aw, Benny, I’m sorry for abandoning you here to the unforgiving wilderness of the wave pool, but I’ve been getting in some beautiful bonding time with our siblings. And now that Luther’s stuck in the bathroom for the foreseeable future, I’ve come back to spend some quality time with my less corporeal brother!” 

Ben raised an eyebrow at the mention of Luther in the bathroom, but he seemed to know Klaus well enough not to even ask. “I’m touched, truly. Any plan for our ‘quality time’?” he asked, with unnecessarily sarcastic air quotes.

Klaus made an exaggerated pout and put his hand over his heart. “You wound me with your heartless sarcasm.” But Ben’s lack of enthusiasm couldn’t keep Klaus down for long. “I was thinking we could go splish-splash around in the children’s area, you know, experience what we never got to as kids.”

Ben stared into the distance and shook his head slightly like he couldn’t fucking believe this. Bold of him to expect Klaus to display a single ounce of maturity.

“Sure, fine, why not? It’s not like you’ll look like a total pedophile and also crazy for talking to thin air,” Ben said dryly.

Well, he hadn’t said no, so Klaus was just going to ignore the rest of his sentence and consider that a binding agreement. “Splendid! It’s this way.”

It was a testament to either Klaus’s charming personality or Ben’s undying (hah) willingness to put up with Klaus’s shit that Ben actually ended up at the children’s area with him.

“Holy shit, there’s little boats!” Klaus exclaimed, turning to Ben excitedly. Apparently this was a fancy-ass waterpark because there were really tiny plastic boats floating around in the pool, commandeered by shrieking children.

Ben sighed. “Do you want to get a little boat, Klaus?”

“Do you even have to _ask_?” said Klaus, already on his way towards the dock at the side of the pool. 

The waterpark employee supervising the boats gave Klaus a serious side-eye but didn’t stop him from squashing himself into a seat made for someone two feet shorter and about 80 pounds lighter than him. Ben sat down on the other side of the boat, his knees bent and legs against his chest to avoid phasing them through Klaus. 

Klaus did the same, grabbing the oars and pushing them away from the dock with a grunt of effort. He rowed to the center of the pool, then let the boat drift. 

“Ah, I feel young again,” Klaus said, dropping the oars to spread his arms wide and bask in the sunlight filtering through the patchy cloud cover. The weather really was unseasonably warm, perfect for today's outing.

Ben, looking scrunched and uncomfortable on his side of the boat, raised his voice to be heard over the noisy children splashing all around them. “Okay, what's this really about, Klaus?”

“Whatever do you mean?” Klaus asked airily.

Ben threw up his hands, which, given their cramped quarters, flew through Klaus’s face in the process. “This whole ‘let’s pretend we’re kids again’ thing! It’s weird, even for you,” he said, looking almost concerned. 

Klaus blew a breath out through his teeth. “Alright, fine, you got me. When I was with Allison and Vanya, we started talking about how we even got the idea to come here as kids, and then we realized we hadn’t involved Vanya in that whole plan to sneak out when Dad was on that business trip, and then, well, I kinda started thinking about all the other times we left Vanya out of everything, and--” Klaus paused to take a breath “--and now I can’t stop fucking thinking about all the shit we did and went through back then, okay?” 

Klaus hadn’t realized how much these thoughts had been weighing on him until he’d fucking vomited them out like this. God, he couldn’t believe he was still stuck on all that childhood bullshit. Old news, right? Dad fucked them all up, but they weren’t going to let that define them, blah, blah, blah, what Five said. Maybe it was just that seeing all these damn kids around, laughing and having fun, had picked at some scab that had never really healed, some gaping, mausoleum-shaped hole in his chest where a normal fucking childhood should have been.

Ben’s look of concern had only grown during Klaus’s little speech and subsequent silence. “We were abused, and yeah, it was shitty. I died, remember? That doesn’t excuse the way we treated Vanya, not completely, but Dad’s gone now and we’re _fixing_ it, Klaus. I didn’t think this waterpark thing was a good idea at first, but you were right about the family bonding thing. Spending time together in a fun environment like this, it helps, I think.”

Ben stopped talking and caught Klaus’s eye. “Hey, you okay?”

Not really, but then again, when was he? Klaus swallowed the lump that had appeared in his throat and gave Ben a slightly watery smile. “Now seems like an appropriate time for a hug, wouldn’t you say?”

Klaus took a deep breath and clenched his fists at his sides, feeling the now-familiar thrum of power course through him. As they burned blue, he felt Ben’s weight settle onto the opposite seat, rocking the boat. His brother flashed him a half-smile and leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Klaus. 

Klaus gave a shuddering sigh and rearranged his bent legs to hug back, his hands shining behind Ben’s back. “Thanks, Ben,” he mumbled into Ben’s cold, hoodie-covered shoulder. 

Even when he was corporeal, Ben was icy and his heart didn’t beat and he didn’t need to breathe, but Klaus didn’t mind too much when he got to hug his brother like this after so many years of their arms passing through each other.

It was right at this moment that they both began to relax that, of course, the boat decided that Klaus’s shift in position towards the now-heavy opposite end of the craft was too much, and promptly capsized.

Klaus flailed as he was plunged underwater for the billionth goddamn time today. He pushed towards the surface, using Diego’s little treading water technique, and got his head above water to see Ben, still solid, clinging to the side of the upside-down boat, shocked and completely soaked.

They stared at each other in silence for a beat before Klaus began chuckling. “I can’t believe our fucking brotherly moment was cockblocked by a plastic boat!” he said, wiping tears and water out of his eyes with still-glowing fingers.

Ben, hair plastered to his forehead, cracked a smile. “I would say the universe hates us, but I think the universe hates _you_ , and I just happen to get caught in the crossfire sometimes.”

Klaus shrugged. Not like it was his fault God Herself had, for whatever reason, taken a personal disliking to him. 

“Want me to, like, unmanifest you so you can get dry? Or at least I assume you’d be dry if you went ghost again.”

“I have no idea, but you probably should just because it’s only a matter of time before someone notices your glowstick impression,” said Ben, looking pointedly at the very obvious blue light emanating from Klaus’s hands. 

It was incredible that no one seemed to have noticed the glow, or the fully-clothed man appearing out of thin air, for that matter, but apparently waterpark patrons were just unobservant as hell.

Klaus nodded. “Well, it was fun while it lasted. Thanks for the hug, Benny.”

Ben dipped his head in acknowledgement and motioned at Klaus to get on with it. Klaus grabbed the capsized boat edge for support and exhaled, releasing the hook of power that was keeping Ben tied to this plane. 

When he looked up, Ben had floated up above the boat, still wearing what looked like the same dripping wet clothes. 

“Oh, shit, I guess ghosts really can’t change their clothes,” Klaus said, smirking. Finally, his burning question from several hours ago was answered. 

“Actually, I can,” Ben said, and suddenly he had on an exact replica of Klaus’s signature crop top-leather pants look. 

Klaus gaped at him. “But--what--you--” he stuttered, before composing himself enough to speak in complete sentences. “I’m going to tell _everyone_.”

Ben smiled evilly, the outfit melting back into his normal clothes. 

“Too bad no one will believe you.”

\-----

After this clusterfuck of an afternoon, Klaus needed a drink, sobriety be damned. Also, someone definitely needed to check on Five. He hadn't heard gunshots thus far, which was a good sign, but God knew what Five had gotten up to for the past several hours while Klaus had been criss-crossing the park. So, now that Ben had peaced out to wherever it was ghosts went when Klaus couldn’t see them (after laughing at Klaus’s heart-wrenching realization that Ben was right, no one _would_ believe him about the outfit), he was following the signs for the bar in hopes of some alcohol and maybe a Five sighting. 

Klaus started to scan the chaises that ringed the bar as he approached, hoping to see Five relaxing, maybe taking a lil’ afternoon nap or something. Old people took a lot of naps, right? He spotted Five almost immediately, looking even tinier than usual in a large lounge chair a ways to the left of the bar counter, although the scene was slightly worrying.

“Hey, buddy, you doing okay?” Klaus said as he reached his brother, eyeing the approximately six empty glasses stacked on the small side table.

Five glanced away from a seventh glass of what looked like piña colada that was tipping dangerously from his right hand and met Klaus’s eyes with a sloppy version of his normal irritated glare.

“I’m fine,” he groused, although this was slightly undermined by the fact that he was slurring his words slightly.

Klaus plucked the drink out of his hand and took a long sip before Five could protest. “Damn, they really let a thirteen-year-old buy alcohol?” Klaus said, feeling the slight burn of the rum in his throat. Oops. He had kind of expected it to be a virgin piña colada.

Five gave him what Klaus had dubbed his cheshire cat grin, displaying a truly alarming number of teeth. “They didn’t. Would only give me virgin ones, so I got my own rum,” he said, digging deep into one of his shorts pockets and producing a mostly-empty bottle with a flourish.

Klaus snatched the bottle from him, but Five was apparently too drunk to really care, because he just sighed and slumped back onto the chair.

“What do you want, Klaus?” he asked, staring off into the crowds milling around on the main path ahead of them. 

Klaus set the rum and glass down carefully on the side table next to the other glasses, resisting the urge to take another drink of either of them. He nudged Five away from the side of the lounge and sat down next to him. 

“Does a man need a reason to spend time with his favorite brother?” Klaus said, putting an arm around Five’s narrow shoulders. In all honesty, Klaus was a little worried about him. Ever since the not-apocalypse, Five had seemed aimless, drifting around the house like one of the ghosts Klaus saw so often now that he was generally sober. It was understandable, really. Five had spent decades consumed by his mission to stop the apocalypse, and now that they had, he probably felt sort of adrift without something like that to latch onto. Klaus had called it an addiction, which was maybe unkind, but not inaccurate. 

“Ben’s obviously your favorite brother,” said Five matter-of-factly, batting Klaus’s arm off of him. 

Well, he couldn’t really argue with that. “Fine, second-favorite brother. But hey, we have a lot in common! Like, we’ve both got time travel trauma, we’re both addicts--”

“Not an addict,” Five interjected, waving a hand at him vaguely like Klaus was a fly he was trying to shoo away. “Told you that already.” 

Klaus, disappointed that the brilliance of the phrase “time travel trauma” had gone unrecognized, soldiered on valiantly. “I know you say that, but you don’t have to try to hide it from me. I know what it’s like. And, you know, the first step to overcoming addiction is recognizing you have a problem,” he said, pitching his voice to say the last part in the gentle yet condescending tone somehow universally used by rehab group leaders. 

Five rolled his eyes, head lolling sideways on the backrest to meet Klaus’s gaze. “I don’t have a _problem_ , which is the entire problem. There’s nothing to do in this godforsaken world. Well, nothing interesting,” he amended quickly, before Klaus had the chance to point out he was pretty sure going to a waterpark counted as ‘doing something.’ 

“Ohhh, well, if interacting with your loving family isn’t enough stimulation for your _massive_ intellect, maybe you should enroll in high school or something,” Klaus said snarkily. He was definitely right in his diagnosis of Apocalypse Withdrawal, so he couldn’t resist needling Five a bit (and okay, maybe it stung just a little that Five evidently didn’t think Klaus was smart or entertaining enough to waste any time on).

Five glared at him, looking infinitely more sober than he had a second ago. “Why don’t you go bother another member of our _loving family_ ,” he said mockingly, “and let me drink in peace?”

“Geez, touchy, touchy!” Klaus said, raising his hands in surrender. “I was just joking about the high school part, but like, seriously, maybe you should go to college or something?” 

Now that Klaus thought about it, it didn’t sound like such a terrible idea. Five needed something to occupy him other than drinking if he didn’t want liver failure as a teenager, and he’d always been into book learning and shit as a kid. He could be some Ivy League’s Child Prodigy.

“I don’t need anyone to teach me. I know more than all those assholes combined,” Five shot back, with his usual air of casual arrogance. 

“Yeah, okay, fine. Just trying to help you find something to do other than give yourself alcohol poisoning before puberty, so sue me.”

Five snorted. “You’re one to talk. How’s staying sober going?” he said condescendingly, gesturing to the incredibly non-virgin piña colada glass Klaus had drunk from. 

“I’ll have you know, that was the first drop of alcohol I’ve touched since before the not-apocalypse. And it was an accident.” Klaus wasn’t going to give that little shit the satisfaction of knowing he’d been jonesing for a drink or a hit for days now.

“Suuure,” Five said, drawing out the word and sounding remarkably like the snotty thirteen-year-old he appeared to be.

Klaus magnanimously ignored him. “What about a hobby? With all that free time, you could like, start fishing, or playing croquet, or, uh, rock climbing, maybe playing the saxophone--” 

“Klaus,” Five cut in, which, thank God, because Klaus was already scraping the bottom of his hobby idea barrel. Five’s smirk had disappeared, and he now looked vaguely constipated. “Really? I appreciate the...effort, but I’m fifty eight. I think I can pick my own hobbies.”

“Then why haven’t you?”

Five actually seemed to contemplate that for a moment, then shook his head like he was physically banishing thoughts from his mind. “I don’t have to justify myself to you,” he said, but it was without the usual snide-slash-exasperated undertone that usually colored every interaction he had with Klaus (scratch that, everyone in their entire goddamn family). 

“Everyone needs _hobbies_ ,” Klaus said, leaning back to get more comfortable on the lounge. “Like, Luther’s got his space obsession, Diego’s got his little vigilante gig and boxing, Allison has a daughter, which totally counts as a hobby, Ben’s always reading those books, which, by the way, I have no fucking clue how he gets ahold of those things as a ghost, and Vanya has her violin, and I have, uh--” Klaus faltered, thinking. Did doing drugs count as a hobby? “--going to raves and being a goddamn fashion icon,” he finished, gesturing at his Speedo.

Five had been watching Klaus throughout this grand speech with his I Don’t Get Paid Enough To Deal With You Fucking People face, a mixture of disbelief and exasperation, but Klaus saw his lips twitch towards the end in the way they did when he thought something was funny but didn’t want to stoop down to the level of the rest of the human race by actually smiling.

“ _Oh_ ,” Klaus said suddenly, triumphantly, “what about cooking? I doubt you had much experience with that in the apocalypse, and I definitely don’t know shit about cooking, so we can learn together! Peak brotherly bonding time right there.”

Five pinned Klaus with a considering look, seeming to not actually dismiss the idea offhand like basically every other suggestion Klaus had ever made. “That’s actually...not a horrible idea. Knowing how to cook is a useful skill, one that I haven’t had the chance to develop.” He nodded slightly, like his mind was made up. “Sure, what the hell, I’ll cook with you.”

Klaus cheered. “Yes! You won’t regret this, little bro.”

“I am older than literally all of the idiots in this family,” Five said under his breath, but he seemed more amused than annoyed. 

Klaus opened his mouth to say something about physical age being what counted, but someone cleared their throat loudly from behind him and Five. Both their heads whipped around instantly, to see the bartender standing rigidly and glaring at the smoking gun of a rum bottle on the side table.

“Are you this young man’s legal guardian?” he asked gravely, addressing Klaus, though his eyes kept flicking down to Klaus’s Speedo like he wasn’t quite sure that someone who wore a rainbow striped one could be considered any kind of legal adult.

Five stiffened beside him, as he always did when a stranger (understandably) referred to him with a word or phrase that suggested he was a child. Klaus clapped a hand on Five’s shoulder, as much to restrain him from leaping at the bartender as to make a show of fatherly affection. 

“Why, yes, I am. Is there some sort of problem?” Klaus said sweetly, tightening his grip on Five when he tried to shrug Klaus’s hand off.

The bartender grabbed the rum bottle off the side table and presented it to them in the same manner as a prosecutor showing off courtroom evidence. “I have reason to believe your son has been engaging in underage drinking.”

Well, this was Not Great. Klaus frowned at him. “That bottle belongs to me,” he said indignantly, “and I don’t appreciate these wild accusations. My boy would _never_ \--”

“I saw him pouring it into the last piña colada I gave him,” the bartender interrupted. “I intend to notify park security so the proper authorities can take care of this--”

“Jesus Christ,” Five snarled, his patience evidently snapping, and blinked out of from under Klaus’s hand to appear directly in front of the bartender in a flash of blue. He stumbled slightly, clearly still drunk, as the bartender jerked backward in surprise. “It’s none of your goddamn business what I do or don’t drink,” he said venomously, pointing up at the poor man threateningly. “Now why don’t you get the hell away from me, and go back to waiting hand and foot on all these brainless fucking morons!”

Five had gone from low-volume threatening to full-on yelling by the end of his diatribe, and people nearby were frowning and looking around, probably to see whose child was having a temper tantrum and needed their mouth washed out with soap or whatever the fuck normal parents did to punish their children these days. The bartender, eyes locked on the damn knife Five had produced at some point and looking simultaneously terrified and furious, turned tail and actually fled back to the bar, where he grabbed a landline phone and starting dialing.

Klaus scrambled off the lounge, grabbed the arm of a still-fuming Five, and started dragging him bodily in the opposite direction of the bar. He didn't know if the bartender was calling park security or the police, but either way, it was time to go. “I think that's our cue,” he said cheerfully as Five resisted, trying to yank his arm out of Klaus's firm grip.

“Let go of me, asshole,” Five spat at Klaus, before realizing he could easily jump away again. He reappeared directly in front of Klaus, scowling and still holding the knife.

“Easy!” Klaus yelped, eyeing the knife. “Let’s just go collect everyone else and get out of here, man. I think they’re by the wave pool,” he said, pointing over Five’s shoulder towards the direction of what he hoped was the wave pool.

“Fine,” Five said shortly, and vanished with a _shhh-whoomph_ , presumably to get to the wave pool. Rude.

“Hey, wait for me!” Klaus yelled to empty air, and jogged in what a nearby sign confirmed was the direction of the pool.

By the time he arrived, Five had rounded up most of the rest of the family members. Allison and Vanya were frowning and dripping wet, clearly having been called out of the pool, and Diego locked eyes with Klaus as soon as he reached the deck.

“Klaus, what the hell is going on here? Five just said ‘The bartender’s an asshole,’ whatever that’s supposed to mean.” Diego shot an frustrated glare at Five, who responded in kind. 

“Hah, well, long story short, Five threatened the bartender with one of your knives and now we’d better skedaddle before the cops get here,” Klaus said, grinning. He’d admit to having been worried before, but now this was actually kind of entertaining.

“What the _hell_ , Five?” said Diego and Allison in unison. Vanya just sighed, probably because this was saner than some of the shit Five had pulled since last week.

“He was an asshole,” said Five irritably, like he shouldn’t have had to repeat such perfectly justifiable reasoning.

“Don’t take my shit,” said Diego, holding a hand out at Five for his knife back. Five rolled his eyes and dug it out of his pocket, slapping it in Diego’s palm. 

“Okay, Klaus is right, we need to get out of here,” said Allison, the only one in the family who had any sort of logical priorities. “Wait, where’s Luther?”

“Ah, about that,” Klaus piped up. “I think he’s hiding in the bathroom from Braedynn’s mom ‘cause he got her son’s tuxedo wet.” 

“What the fuck does that--” Diego started to say, before realizing it was useless to try to understand half of what came out of Klaus’s mouth at any given time. “Whatever, not our problem. He can find his own way home.”

Vanya stared at the sky like she wished she could float away from this conversation, which was understandable, Allison frowned at Diego, and Five had on his Jesus Christ, You Idiots Are Incompetent face. So basically, they were doing great.

Diego, ignoring Allison, produced his car keys and jingled them in Five’s direction. “You, go get the car started and pull up to the loading area in front of the gate. Don’t crash.”

Five leveled Diego with a glare that simultaneously conveyed that he was only doing this because _he_ wanted to, not because Diego told him to, and also that as a fifty eight-year-old, he was by far the most qualified and experienced driver of the family. How Five packed so much into one look, Klaus would never understand, but it was truly impressive sometimes.

Regardless, Five caught the keys when Diego tossed them and blinked away. Diego turned to the rest of them. Before Allison could open her mouth to plead the case that they shouldn’t just leave Luther in the bathroom at a waterpark five hours away from home, a squad of park security guards streamed onto the deck area, walkie-talkies crackling. Leading the pack was a middle-aged woman clutching a damp paperback book -- Braedynn’s mom!

“That’s the man he was with,” she crowed triumphantly to the guards near her, pointing directly at Klaus. Well, shit.

“Go, go, go!” Klaus hissed, grabbing Diego’s arm, and the rest of his family needed no prompting as they booked it towards the park’s main gate.

As they sprinted for the parking lot, dodging the rest of the park patrons, Klaus heard something even worse than the thumping footfalls of park security in pursuit: the whine of police sirens, faint but growing louder by the second. 

“I think,” he yelled breathlessly to his siblings, who were pulling ahead of him (so maybe he was a little out of world-saving shape), “we’ve got cop company!”

“God damn it,” Diego snapped, unfairly not at all out of breath as they burst through the exit turnstiles and skidded to a halt in front of the loading zone. “Where the hell is Five?”

Vanya pointed wordlessly to where their car was backing sedately out of a parking space and executing a textbook three-point turn. Diego growled, stomping a bare foot in frustration. Oh wait, bare foot? Holy shit, they’d left all their shoes and clothes in the goddamn park lockers where they’d stashed them after changing into their suits. Klaus was _not_ going to leave his one-of-a-kind coat behind here. He spun around and stepped back towards the entrance, but Allison blocked his path. 

“Klaus, what are you doing?” she said, eyebrows furrowed with concern. 

“My coat’s still--” Klaus started to say, when Ben popped back into existence next to Allison. He took in the scene, looking more confused by the second.

“Uh...what’s happening?”

“Now’s not the time, Ben,” Klaus snapped, single-minded in his determination to save his coat. He pushed past Allison towards the entrance, but froze when the park security guys tore out of the exit, heading straight towards them. 

At the same instant, the car pulled up to the loading curb. Allison grabbed his arm and shoved him and Vanya towards it. RIP his coat, apparently.

Diego slid into shotgun while Allison bundled them urgently into the backseat, slamming the door behind her. Five smashed his foot on the gas and they shot forward with a screech of rubber just as the fastest security officers reached the curb.

“What the hell took you so long?” Diego snarled, his face contorted in anger.

“I had to adjust the seat,” said Five, in a tone that implied _they_ were the idiots for prioritizing getting the hell out of there over making sure all the seats were correctly positioned.

Their car flew out onto the main road just as three police cars breezed straight past them into the parking lot, sirens blaring and lights flashing. Five laughed and swung a sharp right, and since none of them had been able to get their seatbelts on in the excitement, everyone tumbled left with a chorus of expletives. As they righted themselves, Allison gasped suddenly.

“What?” asked Ben, looking perfectly unruffled in the backseat. Klaus repeated his question for the rest of the family.

“We forgot Luther,” she whispered, horrified.

Klaus, unable to contain himself, burst out laughing for like the fifth time that day. “Oh my god,” he wheezed, clutching both armrests for support. He was down a coat, but goddamn if this hadn’t been the most fun he’d had in months, maybe years.

Allison glared at him. “This is _serious_ ,” she said, but Five, Diego, and Ben just shrugged and Vanya had on a little smirk that seemed to mean she thought maybe Luther deserved this.

Klaus just grinned, throwing his arms as wide as he could in the confines of the car.

“Best. Waterpark. Ever.”


End file.
